Heather Dumpty

Warning: This is another pity post.

Heather Dumpty sat on a wall.
Heather Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Heather Dumpty back together again.

I am broken. I have no confidence. My self esteem is shattered. I am a failure.

Ryan and I have spent the last 14 months going through infertility treatments (not to mention the previous 6+ years of this battle). The only thing I have to show for it is a bruised stomach and bum, a sharps container filled with needles, a depleted bank account, a bloated and sore body, a medicine cabinet that would impress a pharmacist, hormone acne, cottage fever, a dirty house, and the hardest of all … my aching empty arms. I am in major physical and emotional pain. I am a disappointment to myself and my family (even though Ryan disagrees).

We have decided to take our hat out of the ring. We are done. I think coming to terms with the fact that I will never have children will be harder than going through another miscarriage. But we have tried just about everything that we are open to trying. There comes a point where we need to say enough is enough . . . we can’t force something to happen.

I have had an inner battle with God over this subject. I questioned Him. I felt that it was harder to believe in Him knowing He is the one choosing this life for me. I am forever haunted by the “what ifs” and “why not’s.” Why would a loving God do this to us? Then I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a beautiful earth that I have been blessed enough to visit and see. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Best of all . . . I have an amazing compassionate husband that loves me. It may be rough right now . . . but I think I have it pretty good in this life. God does love me. My pains are His pains.

My very wise father told me that I might have a lesson that God is trying to teach me. I didn’t want to listen at the time. I figured I had learned it already. I was very wrong. I need to learn this lesson. It may be a lesson that will, in the end, help me come to terms with being childless, or maybe it will lead to us being parents. Either way I am looking forward to getting through this.

Also, Ryan and I have been through a lot. Please understand that we may not be open to discuss other alternatives or change our minds about trying to have a “family.” I am fine discussing the situation. I just hope that people will be respectful of our decision and have tact when talking with or about us.

One more thing. I have faith that I will be able to be with my children again. In the next life I will have the chance to raise them. They were very real and very much alive prior to the miscarriages. I have felt them live and I have seen their heartbeat. If your belief is different than mine then please keep it to yourself.

I am going to get better. This pain and sorrow will not be what defines me!! I only share this with you so that you might find the same strength that I am trying to find. I believe that everyone has obstacles to overcome. No one has it harder or easier than another. I still feel like I have a long way to go until I am able to function again. So if I am distant, sad, or not social, please understand that I am really struggling right now.

On that same note, I am going to get my life back this year. Ryan and I will go on our fun vacations again. I will lose all this weight I gained from having to take it easy. I am going to run a ½ marathon. Hopefully I will survive a half marathon . . . :)! I will finally be able to live without having to worry each month that I will kill another one of my babies.

Hopefully this will be my last pity party post, but I can’t promise anything.

There. I have said my piece. How was your holiday?